The Brokenness of Blair Waldorf
by writergirl2003
Summary: Truth be told, Blair had no idea what she wanted. She wanted everything and nothing at the same time. She wanted Nate, she wanted Serena, she wanted things to be the same, and yet wished they could be completely different.
1. This is What's Important

**A/N: Hey everyone! This is my first official Gossip Girl fanfic, so I hope it's okay. I'm usually over in the Hairspray section, but I've decided to stray for a while. I'm not totally sure if this is based more on the books or the television show, but I do know that I am definitely using the description of the characters from the show. So, let me know what you think?**

**Obviously, I don't own anything.**

**This is for you, Kelsey.**

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There was something about being in her arms that Serena could not forget

There was something about being in her arms that Serena could not forget. A feeling that remained with her long after she'd slipped out of the brunette's bed, and stayed with her during the day. Throughout the school day, the moments she shared with Dan, even while she ate dinner with her family, she could not shake the memory of the other girl. The moment their eyes met on the steps every morning before school, it returned with a vengeance, encompassing her entirely and mercilessly. A tight knot formed in her stomach, and she felt her face flush, and she would look away for just a moment, long enough to pretend to regain her composure before offering the brunette a soft smile, brushing her blonde hair behind her ear as she approached the other girl.

It shouldn't have been like this between them, she knew. They had known each other for practically as long as either of them could remember, and it had never been like this. There had always been an inexplicable fluency between them; one that even transcended the boundaries of friendship. Blair had always been the one she'd run to when things had gone wrong in her life; and vice-versa. There was a side of Blair Waldorf that only Serena knew, and each time she caught sight of that lost little girl in Blair's chocolate eyes, her heart ached with a love that she was somewhat unfamiliar with. It was one that was solely reserved for her best friend, one that not even Dan could provoke in Serena. She would try to love him the same, God knew that; she would study his soft, kind, face and pray to love him just as much, if not more than, Blair. She wanted to love him in a way that was suitable and appropriate, and one that made her heart ache. She wanted to love Dan in a way that made her dream of a beautiful wedding, children playing in the front yard of a sweet little house in the suburbs, wanted to love him enough to dream about growing old with him, holding his hand on a porch swing and watching the sun go down, while he recited love poems to her. Still, as much as she _wished_ those things, she couldn't make herself feel them. She would only allow the thoughts early in the morning and late at night, but when she thought of waking up next to someone in the morning, there was only one brunette with sad, lost eyes that filled her mind, and that person was not Dan.

What was worse, however, than merely _thinking_ the thoughts, were living them. It was one thing to _think_ about Blair lying beside her, and stroking her fingertips lightly over the empty satin sheets, but when the other girl actually _was_ only mere inches from her, her chest rising and falling with each breath she took, it was difficult to deny those irrevocable thoughts, and damn near impossible to look away from her.

She didn't want to say the words; Serena simply could _not_ explain to Blair that she had brunch plans with Dan, and that was the very reason she was forced to crawl out of bed as the morning sun spilled in through the windows. So, instead of attempting to explain anything to her, she used her fingers to push the sheets away from her body, slowly moving one long leg over to the side of the bed, attempting to make her movements as subtle as possible. She caught her breath as she felt Blair shift beside her, and stayed still for a moment before she was sure she heard the girl's breathing become heavy once again. After another moment of holding her breath, she began to move again, softly and silently, her eyes immediately falling upon the pile of her clothes just a few feet from the bed.

"Where are you going?" Blair's voice was full of sleep, but she pushed herself up on her elbow, narrowing her eyes carefully at the blonde girl's bare back. The skin there, and really, the skin all over her body, was so golden and flawless. Blair herself wished for skin like that, the kind that was perfect, with no imperfections, the kind that remained tan even when you stayed inside all summer and never set foot into the sun. She wanted to reach out and stroke her fingers over the girl's soft skin, but curled her fingers into tight fists and shoved them beneath the sheets.

"Oh," Serena caught her breath, cursing silently before shifting a little, causing her blonde hair to fall over her shoulders. She glanced back at Blair, offering her a soft smile. "I just, you know, have a thing." She turned away from Blair, and reached out for her clothes quietly, unable to look at the hurt expression she knew had blanketed Blair's face. She dressed silently, and then stood, finally allowing herself to look at Blair, who sat with the sheet pulled around her, watching Serena with a blank expression.

"What thing?" The corners of her lips turned into a slight smirk, as if she assumed she was being toyed with. She curled her fingers lightly in her lap, keeping her eyes locked with Serena's, "I don't remember a _thing_."

Serena wished she could have thought of something witty, and perhaps if it had been anyone else, she'd have been able to. However, with Blair, nothing but the truth seemed good enough. Of course, that was exactly it; nothing but the truth was what she deserved. She remained silent for a moment, and as she attempted to conjure her nerve, Blair spoke the words she had vowed not to speak herself.

"It's him," she stated the words blankly, still watching her. "You're going to be with Dan, aren't you?"

Serena's lips parted slightly, as she attempted to deny the words. Still, as she caught the other girl's eyes, she knew she could speak nothing but the truth.

"I just…" she furrowed her eyebrows, and then sunk to the edge of the bed, pulling her boots over her slim legs. "I promised him I'd meet him for brunch. I can't break my plans."

"Break plans?" Blair laughed softly, her brown hair brushing her bare shoulders as she pushed her back against the headboard, her eyes focused on Serena's back. "Well, you don't have much of a problem breaking anything else, do you?"

Serena spun to face her, sighing softly.

"What, Blair? What do you want?" She shook her head, "I can't…I don't know what you want."

Blair swallowed, keeping their eyes locked. Truth be told, she had no idea what she wanted. She wanted everything and nothing at the same time. She wanted Nate, she wanted Serena, she wanted things to be the same, and yet wished they could be completely different.

"I want…" she hesitated for a moment, and forced her voice not to break as she felt the emotion welling inside of her. "I just want you to stay. Here, with me. This is what's important, Serena."

Her words caught Serena off guard, and she felt that familiar tightness in her heart and stomach. The horrible mix of loyalty and betrayal gnawed at the lining of her stomach, and she swallowed hard.

"Blair, I…" There were so many things she wanted to say. _Blair, I love you. Blair, you are what is most important to me. Blair, there's nothing I want more than to stay with you._ Still, those were the words she could never speak; the words that would remain in her heart and head, the ones that she could never speak. "Blair, I can't. I have to go."

It would have been easiest simply to stay, to crawl back into bed beside her, to kiss her lips and curl her arms around Blair's slender waist, and forget about Dan, and the rest of the world. But everyone knew that Serena van der Woodsen wasn't one to take the path of least resistance.

"Fine," Blair shot back after a moment, "But if you go, don't come back. You're not going to be welcome here forever, Serena. I'm not going to be your doormat."

And even as she spoke the words, both of them knew they weren't true.

"Blair, don't do this." Serena sighed softly, tying her hair into a loose ponytail.

"No, Serena, _you_ don't do this!" Blair's voice was louder now, and her eyes were desperate, pleading, as she clutched the sheet to her chest, "Don't do this to _me_."

There was a moment of silence between them, but their eye contact remained. Blair prided herself on her strength, and was usually good at keeping her weakness from others. Yes, Nate could make her angry, and she wouldn't deny that, but even he hadn't broken her heart. She had expected nothing from him, and had given up the dreams of living happily ever after with him quite some time ago. Nate was a boy who didn't know better, didn't realize that Blair wasn't simply a female, but a _girl_, a girl that had feelings and emotions, and a heart beneath the breasts that he seemed to be so fond of. Nate hadn't broken her heart, because he'd never really _had_ her heart to begin with. Serena, however, knew better. Serena's betrayal was deeper than heartbreak, because first, even above being lovers, they were best friends.

"I'll call you later," Serena offered quietly, and then, before heading towards the door, "I'm sorry."

Blair nodded slowly, shaking her head so that the brunette curls brushed her back.

"So am I."

Serena flowed out of the bedroom, and closed the door behind her. And Blair remained as Serena had left her, just as she always did.

Just as she always would.


	2. Love Me Best

**Okay, so this story was only intended to be a one-shot, but a few people reviewed and asked me to update, and I had a little bit of inspiration, so I decided to. That wraps up this story, but I may write more one-shots, you never know! **

**Enjoy, and thank you everyone for the reviews!**

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As pathetic as it may have seemed, Blair was used to being left alone. Whether it was her flair for the dramatic or actually a somewhat depressing life, she had never _really_ felt loved. It was nice to pretend, when she had been with Nate, that he was deeply in love with her, and she'd even fooled herself into believing it, but when their relationship had ended, she hadn't been particularly surprised. Something about Nate hadn't exactly _screamed_ happily ever after, once Blair had allowed herself to really focus on him and the situation at hand. Still, with Serena, everything was different. Serena wasn't _just_ her lover, she was her best friend. She was the one person that Blair accepted unconditionally, the one person that she would _always_ forgive. Serena could gun down the entire East side and come crawling back to Blair on her knees and beg for her forgiveness, and she would receive it without question. With anyone else, this would have been considered naivety and foolishness, but with Serena, it was love; simple, pure, unconditional love.

It was still relatively early in the morning, and Blair had yet to even eat breakfast, but she felt the familiar burn in the back of her throat and knew what she had to do. Ignoring the weak feeling in her body, she pulled herself out of bed and trudged into the bathroom. She wasn't feeling sick, and had nothing in her stomach to throw up, but that uncomfortable settling feeling in the pit of her stomach was too hard to ignore. She tried not to think about Serena, or the fact that, if she was still here right now, this wouldn't be happening. She tried not to think about the fact that Serena was the one person who seemed to be able to save her from herself, and the one person who could make Blair stop this insanity that she forced upon herself. Still, Serena's absence, and worse, Serena's being with Dan, left her kneeling over the toilet, coughing up the contents of her stomach before wiping her watery eyes with the back of her hand.

She hadn't been planning to do much of anything that day, although it was true that she had been planning to do not much of anything with Serena. Still, after she had thrown up, her body felt weak and depleted. She hated that part most. The throwing up wasn't bad, because it was something she could control. She could force herself to be sick as much or as little as she wanted, but that feeling afterward was something totally different. Her body was physically exhausted, her muscles ached, her throat burned, her eyes watered. That aftermath left her feeling weak and stupid, and though she often felt it in spite of herself, those were not things that Blair enjoyed.

By the time she had collapsed back into bed and turned on _Breakfast at Tiffany's_, she felt somewhat better about her decision. She still felt nauseous, but only when her mind reverted back to thinking about Serena and Dan, and no longer felt as if she needed to vomit. Audrey always seemed to help with that problem. Blair brushed her long hair from her face as pressed the back of her head hard against her full pillows, moving her legs somewhat awkwardly beneath her as she forced herself to focus on the television. It wasn't that she wasn't interested in what was on television, _of course_ Audrey always held her captive, it was just that her mind, and her heart, were someplace else, more precisely with that gorgeous blonde that was sipping champagne and playing footsie with Dan beneath a table somewhere right about now.

She couldn't be completely sure if she dozed off, or fell into an unconscious stupor that she couldn't quite remember, but when she opened her eyes again, the movie had ended and the blue default DVD player screen blinked at her. She sighed softly and reached for the remote, curling her fingers around it and pressing the off button before glancing to the doorway casually, her eyes immediately falling upon the presence of the girl in the doorway. Her breath caught in her throat, and she fixed her gaze upon the girl.

"Serena," she acknowledged her quietly, "What are you doing here? Brunch ended early?" She straightened her posture a little, and pushed the blankets from around her legs, looking away from the other girl. Serena stood silently for a moment before crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head, her blonde hair brushing gently against her shoulders.

"No, actually, I just told Dan that I was sorry, but I had something really important that I needed to get back to." Serena chewed on her lower lip for a moment, moving slowly towards the bed and easing her way onto it carefully. Blair looked away from her, letting her eyes focus on the blank screen of the television and curling her legs beneath her. She could sense Serena next to her but kept her eyes on the screen, and soon felt Serena's tanned fingers working over the sheets, brushing the top of Blair's thigh. "B, come on. Look at me."

Blair blinked, but kept her gaze upon the bed.

"I can't." Her mouth was dry, and her voice sounded small, even to her.

"You won't," Serena corrected her, tugging gently on the sheet, "I came back here for _you_, Blair."

Blair glanced up at her quickly, her dark eyes narrowing slightly, tilting her head in exasperation.

"_What_?" Serena asked suddenly, her voice rising in pitch. Blair kept her gaze fixed on Serena, and she sighed, "Look, I'm sorry. I told you I was sorry, and I am. I'm sorry."

"I _know_ you are, Serena," she sighed, defeated, watching her for a moment before tearing out of the bed and pulling her short silk robe over her gown and tying the sash hurriedly, "But this isn't just about today. It goes beyond that, and you know it. It's just _us_ in general."

"Us?" Serena laughed the word softly, her eyes fixed on Blair, "That's not fair, Blair. You know that you and I are-"

"Are what?" Blair turned on her quickly, her fingers curling into loose fists, "It's not what, Serena? Not right? It's not like what you and Dan have?"

"No!" Serena shot back immediately, pushing herself up on the bed, "It's _not_ like what Dan and I have, Blair, it's _so_ much better."

Blair studied her quietly for a moment, her eyes burning with tears. She scoffed, and shook her head, the corners of her lips turning up into a smirk.

"How is this better?" Her voice was soft, and broken. She was beyond fighting with Serena; there was no point in taking this further than she already had. Softly, slowly, she was giving in, and as the other girl studied her with that soft, apologetic gaze, she knew there was nothing more she could do to resist. Her hands fell to her side, and she made her way to the bed slowly and defeated, letting her posture slump as she sat on the edge of the mattress. "Look at us, Serena, we're a mess. I don't understand how _this_ could possibly be better."

"It's better because it's _real_," Serena was upon her in a moment, sitting beside her and brushing her dark hair from her face, "B, this is the most real thing I have _ever_ known. _You_ are my rock, my foundation…" her voice faded, and she pressed her fingers against Blair's chin to keep their eyes focused on each other, "Out of _everything_ in my life, this is the only thing that is real."

Blair pressed her head into her hands, finally allowing the tears to slip from her eyes. She shook her head quickly, taking a few shallow breaths as Serena's hand worked up her back gently, her fingers rubbing small circles over her spine comfortingly. It felt so good to be like this with her again, even if it was abrupt and somewhat inappropriate. Serena's arm worked around her completely, and Blair allowed herself to melt into the blonde's arms. Serena's hold tightened somewhat, and she pressed her face into the crook of Blair's neck.

"I'm sorry," she whispered softly to the trembling brunette, "I'm sorry, sweetie."

Blair nodded against her, instinctively slipping her arms around Serena's slender waist, the tears coming freely now. With anyone else, this would have been completely embarrassing and defiling, and yet, with Serena, it just _was_. There was no reason for shame or humiliation, nothing but the feeling of their bodies pressed together, their hearts pounding against each other. All that mattered now was the heavenly scent of Serena's hair, the warmth of her body, and the love that she felt in her embrace.

After another moment, Blair moved slightly, and allowed herself to study Serena's pretty face. The blonde smiled gently at her before leaning forward just slightly, pressing her soft lips against the brunette's. The kiss was gentle, and sent pleasurable shivers up Blair's spine. She sighed softly and smiled as the kiss broke. She studied Serena's face before leaning in and capturing her lips again, in another kiss that lasted longer than the last. The moment of silence between them was pleasurable, and Blair closed her eyes for a moment, savoring it before daring to ruin it with words.

"Promise me something," Blair pleaded with her quietly, her voice scarcely breaking the silence. She curled her fingers around Serena's, entwining their fingers, causing the blonde to look at her.

"I…I can't," the blonde whispered reluctantly, her lips so close to the brunette.

"You used to promise me everything," Blair reminded her softly, stroking the other girl's palm gently. She rested her head in the nape of Serena's neck, her brunette hair brushing against the tanned skin there.

"Things are different now," Serena's words were not harsh, but truthful, and she stroked Blair's hair lovingly, "I wish I could promise you the things I used to be able to. I can't do that anymore."

"At least promise me one thing," Blair begged quietly, "Just promise me you love me best."

Serena was silent for a long moment, and then placed a soft kiss on Blair's head, her fingers tangling in the other girl's brown curls.

"More than anything," she answered softly, her lips pressed close to Blair's ear. She was silent for a moment, and then stroked her fingers over Blair's arm, "That's what makes this so difficult."

"Then don't let it be difficult," Blair begged, shifting and pressing her body against the bed, tugging on Serena's hand, "Just be here with me, Serena. _Please_."

"I'm right here with you," the blonde answered, letting her eyes fall upon Blair as she pulled gently at her hand.

"Are you?" Blair questioned her quietly, letting their eyes meet.

"Even when I'm not, I am," Serena answered. She smiled softly down at Blair and shifted to lie down beside her, letting her arm rest casually on Blair's side. Blair scooted closer to Serena and placed a small kiss on the blonde's lips.

"It doesn't have to be like this," Blair said quietly, "I mean, not bad like this. It doesn't always have to be so… _different _between us."

"But it does," the blonde insisted, reluctant to break this moment of tranquility between them, "I mean, I have Dan, and you have Nate, and-"

"But I _don't_ have Nate!" Blair's voice cut off Serena's, and she shook her head slightly, "Even when I _had_ Nate, I didn't _have_ him." She resisted the urge to throw in the part about only being able to focus on Serena when she had been with Nate, and shook her head again. "I'm not like you, you know, I can't meet someone and hold them totally captive under this spell like you do, and I can't…" her voice faded. She knew that everyone who met Serena fell in love with her immediately, and she couldn't blame them. Sure it had taken her a few years, but the same thing had happened to Blair.

"You can," Serena reassured her after another moment, "You do." She pressed her lips against Blair's ear again. "You've totally captivated me, Blair."

"But you left," Blair's voice was so soft, and she had already completely given into the other girl. Still, she was grasping for straws.

"I came back," Serena answered confidently, a small smile pressing across her pink lips, "Every time I leave, I come back for you."

Blair studied her solemnly.

"I won't always be here waiting for you," she answered quietly, studying Serena's face.

Serena pressed her thin lips together, and then smiled softly at the other girl.

"I won't always be leaving." She pulled Blair closer to her, snuggling into her embrace, "I'm not leaving now, am I?"

Blair studied her lovingly, and smiled.

"No, you're not."

And with Serena van der Woodsen, all you could really do was learn to live in the moment.


End file.
